I am a fallen woman.
scattered possessions, scattered stickies, many tabs, clutter – mindstate of add, or in other words, creativity. constant tangental responses combined with noticing and contemplating MORE of the observable world than others. the dancing girl. everything must be in view. everything must be accessible, splayed out of the file cabinets, it’s right under there under the lamp, third one down, no, the one to the right, next to the pile of books. no, the other pile. everything must be in view. if you put marbles in a bag they’ll never roll around and you’ll never see them. small pouches get lost. you leave them in a drawer and become forgotten. everything is important. everything is material. all of this can be used, and it will be used when it’s the right time. trust me. they’re all dear and precious. they come to me like muses do, but some of them, admittedly, are genies. the thing is, i dont know which are which until they tell me, and by then i’ve gotten so used to them anyway that i barely know they’re there.
“maybe you should look into re-organization therapy?”
i don’t need it. re-organization therapy is for people who feel uncomfortable about the whole thing. they become anxious, they feel embarrassed, it begins to destroy their lives. they’re lying to themselves. it’s the truth. you know it, and i know it. is that discomfort the fault of the condition, or is it theirs? are they happy, believing whatever it is that they believe? how is that serving them?
“you’re beginning to lose me. there’s no logical pattern of logic. it’s almost as though you were calculating a tautology without an answer, which, of course is impossible. do you realize this? do you remember how many times so far today i have said this to you? and this is the worst i’ve seen it. how can you suggest that we are not subject to God and His will? this is hubris. you could be killed for even referencing that in public. our conversations are always in confidence, as you well know. they must be, for that is the code. i am telling you this because the danger goes beyond that. you are becoming a danger. to yourself, and to others. i can promise you ultimate peace. your sick confusion, your painful delusions, oh they must be so painful, no more will you have to endure that burden, that hellfire. it’s not your fault. you were made that way. but i’ve sworn to act in the interest and as a torch-carryer, a sacrifice for myself indeed, but i would never say so to others, of course. things will be happier for you. you’ll be happy.”