on the water

I am a fallen woman.

And if you died tonight, my love, I would sing a song for you. I would wail a banshee call. I would wash your body, be your mortician in shadow fishnets. I’d clean your body, and wash your heart, kiss your eyes, close their lids, comb your hair, and make a pillow for your head.

These fears of death, my love. These fears of death and love, we cannot escape. And this called new life, my love, is unattainable, for our hubris has outshone the sun. Our hubris is struck down here, on the water, caressing your body, with every movement, with every prayer.

In the valley of the shadow of death we have found each other. There are no gifts that can be forgotten. As I preen myself and my flicker wings there you are, love. Our creations together. I remember who you are. Do you remember?

We are NAKED. And no one can tell us TRUTH. But RUTH, she tells us to have RUTH. She tells you and me not to be RUTHLESS.

Fairy things tell me things, too. I was born to speak their language. Do we speak the same language too? Is affinity enough? Can we be worlds apart and still remain standing? And send each other sweet kisses from inside of our dark, twisted sinews, our cages of bones?

I pet a bobcat and was caught on film. There are flying things telling us to wake up. Wasps telling us we are alive.
Are we alive?
Do we dream?
Can I remind you, or you me?

If I were on a trail of tears with you, my love, I promise I’d watch for the mountain lions too, and the rose tendrils of my hair would possibly serve as warning but I don’t know if they see red.

But I see red, devil melting soupy cherry raspberry red, every day, every night of my life. Crows cross my path and ask me to join them and I say no.

I say, crows, you don’t see, I am Fox. Red tailed bushy fox, and I carry no disease. If you infect me with your scurvy, I will rage and pray to my gods the decay of your race. We are living in harmony. Let us share the berries and the offal.

Oh, it’s awful! O, I am filled with awe!

I met Mother Mary and she taught me how to subdue snakes. She rained down upon me as I danced in fields with you, my love, and you my muse, can you tell me what to do next? No, don’t tell me. Just keep breathing.

I believe that saving the world is a possibility.
Through blood, and love, and filthy games, this immaculate conception, can we inspire the multitudes to see? Can we tell tales of saviors and gods and howl at the moon so she can send it all back to us?

If we ate of the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge would we become like Gods and spew all over?

Our guts,
our hearts,
they are fragile.

My bones,
they are soft like a baby’s.

And I keep getting reborn.

I feel the vortex of the wormhole every day because
I know.

Because I have dreams of deliverance and remembrance.
Do you remember, love? When we knew we were creatures of the night?
When we laughed and felt each other’s bodies coming alive?

Do you remember how we found each other here, how we betrayed each other? How we hurt each other so much and how I said sorry?

I’m sorry I’ve broken your heart.
Please drink this water with me.

I know that I am a witchy witchy banana and my sins do not let me go on without admitting that you have saved me, and that I’ve taken your eyes and traded them for silver keys.

Is that what this is about? Silver keys?

I wear Amber on my Fuck You finger so that I can see. I throw rox in gardens and ferns into valleys. Tea into pots and letters into pails.
I walk like a farmer, bearing the weight of my pain, and your pain, and the weight of the world is pulling down. This grave truth I will never be free of.

They all want me to change.

If we arrived at a carnival, would you be my troubadour, and I could be your wench? Would we play with candles, and sip on nectar?

If I were spinning, would you grab and comb my hair?
But if I were falling, you’d catch me. and this I know because-
you cannot tell a lie.
we cannot tell a lie.

I opened Pandora’s Box. It looked like an oil slick. There is hope at the bottom there. And I have found it.

Standing Up

When you’re struggling and there’s nowhere to go

Besides the place where you think you know

And the world has left you red and shown

Faced with swell and eyed with crown

We share the malt and fest the pear

And walk the mile, & smoke despair

While lies abound and eyes defray

The partial sweet and half decay

Of life amidst the suffering

Of compound pain on compound strain

Of lashing out because in pain

Of years and years of allowing chains 

To bind me to your rage, your shame.

I see you, Monty. I see you, Caine.

I see your fake, sorry, and I’m not gonna stay

To watch you rake my face again with rays

Of blight

Tonight.

Ally

Determined and uncertain of everything

until the clear appears

and the

relevant

revelation

elevates me

reverent

and I remember

The Truce.

Wanting Winter

Is it safe?
To go back to the memory
of the place where we are always together?

Can we pull up that sun again (please?)

Plug in the cords that way again, please?

Or,

if manifestation fails in the face of change,

Then we will pre-

tend

our garden

before it grows,

for freer to suffer after the snow.

i am animated.

I

I have been here before.

Where did I imagine this?

If they’re waiting

I am waiting

I am seeing the red river explode in front of me and it is glorious.

In flame, my eyes are one with the fire, plasmatic and belvedere.

Attempting to manufacture deja vu, to validate the nostalgia of our idyllic moment,

my image of you inside on the air deck.

chopped wood and slow water on the iron.

soapstone soft and waxy

holding my stay

are lion, pegasus, rhino, and carpenter ants,

the latter always plural.

my basin ringing

my pelvic bone resting

my memories conflating

I will never leave.

II

Blessed is the monk who decides to move on and remain in the world of suffering

The misunderstood Boddhisatva can never claim hur claim

instead, portrayed exclaiming,

complaining,

repairing

is what

this

process

is

why

i

am animated.

Jazz

let’s get straight to the point

whenever love walks in

the scene changes.

jazz twinkles and rumbles on the speakers.

finger snaps begin in the back quadrant of the room.

The walls grow gilded

and the trees remember how to dance

\

\

we forget that jazz is improvised, like life, when we are hearing it secondhand.

do you know if your fish has been frozen?

are you living your life secondhand?

The electric organ holds the answers

Percussive, subtly but assertively, it won’t let us forget

that when we cannot touch hearts,

we lock eyes.

a crack in plato’s cave

I was confirmed on a dark night of the soul. As the force of my feet shook rocks capside, my ultimate self nodded softly and sadly in agreement to that phrase: “not in this lifetime.”

and we all wept.

The man in the mustard fedora faced away from me in a night terror on my birthday, telling me something in a silent language that only makes sense inside of a sphere of onyx.

while my body remained locked immovable, my spirit became hyper-aware as the blind can sense a sneakered starer from twenty feet away. thirty if they’re watching.

i woke up out of a dream one morning two months later and felt the miscarriage of the fantasy child that i didn’t even know i had. and then like an elephant

or a crow

i cried a little as i felt my cat’s little cool feet walk across my body

and her moist tongue washed me back to the morning.

at the root of a coconut tree i was left to my lonesome by my comrade, like a mother justifying.

“this will be good for them.”

or like a guru, “through suffering comes truth.”

or like a son, “this is for all of those times you abandoned me before.”

but mostly like a gull, who, not having to tell his brothers that he loves them, is deeply integrated into that rule of self-sufficiency.

he who finds the oyster first…

and there’s no malice for the speckled from the smoked.

the raven told me i didn’t have to cling to grim death.

his eyes shot a grappling, a striving toward the donkey wheel into me.

his feet held steady and his talons stung my arm like a tattoo.

he told me that the lesson would be worth it and i was reminded of the fallacy of heaven,

that ridiculous empty promise for martyrs and weakened dreamers.

but Strength fell onto the table and told me that after giving birth to cubs a lion must know that work must be done before they can hunt together.

Elected Uncertainty Leeching.

Creative Return Breaching.

I am not done with my preaching.

Not till I’m done with this bleaching

persisting the christening

while my backside,

glistening,

projects Joy onto you.

 

Terra-minded,

I am terrified

while spring bears witness to grapevine virtue.

We know not where we wander.

Just meandering.

On this prehensile fabric we tread.

with buckets of water and filth

wares on our backs

sticks in our grip

moving forth we endeavor our visions

manifesting our toes to the grounds

our drive directed

we push forth,

for what-all?

 

What do ye seek?

Why face morning-call?

 

Through body and farce

chrysanthemums and weeds

aligned with sight we condense our dreams-

into tiny packages-

and bless them with seeds.

present them to all

and no one.

memorize them as creeds

to wish fare better on future

and to remind ourselves to breathe.

Duality

Reverence is my love for you, fellow traveler.

I wear my vulnerability like a billowing veil

and my steadfastness like a mounted pole

or a well-rooted bush

ever-green.

 

O to look upon you, beauty! you creature of mirth!

Your skin a pillow

for the air.

your posture,

a missing mirror found.

 

Blessed I face you in warrior’s trust

delicately holding your pain and ecstasies through my gaze.

Forest meets rich ground.

We are Illuminated.

Lush eyes moist,

gushing your insides.

 

hereafter I hold your laughter in the way of a coddle

and your weeps in the way of a rock.